Cad.cx Email Terms of Service
(Does not apply to individually-addressed “real” email)
Much though I love receiving unsolicited bulk email, I am now so overwhelmed by the number of people who want me to look at their bulk (”spam”) email offerings that I am forced to charge $50 for each unsolicited bulk email I receive, charged on your behalf to your ISP if you do not pay within 30 days or, in the case of non-U.S. companies or individuals, to your country’s US embassy.
I will also charge $50 for testing your “unsubscribe” utility, which is a great bargain since so few of them work, and I know you want yours to operate properly.
Please don’t claim I “opted in” or “subscribed” to your bulk email. I didn’t, and don’t try to claim I did, because we both know you’re lying.
“Someone else must have subscribed you” is not valid, either. If you choose not to use a double opt-in (subscription confirmation) system, you are being rude to people who get your email without asking for it, and you should be grateful that I am charging you a little money in return for pointing out the problem so you can correct it instead of letting you keep on being stupid until you get black-holed or your ISP cuts off your service.
And if you sell/sold any of my personal information, including my email address, as part of any kind of sales or contact database without my express, written personal permission in advance, you must pay $5 royalty per copy sold, minimum $500.
All charges are “plus $80 per hour trackdown and collection fees,” and do not include court costs, so, when you get my bill, please pay it promptly.
If you cannot abide by these Terms of Service, do not send me unsolicited bulk email. If you choose to send me unsolicited bulk email, you accept these terms automatically.
Remember, you are the one who initiated the transaction, not me. I did not ask you to send me unsolicited bulk email. (If I did, it wouldn’t be unsolicited.)
Allow me summarize what you will be billed should you send me spam mail per message recieved:
- USD $50 content evaluation
- USD $50 unsubscription utility evaluation
- USD $80 trackdown/collection fee
- Total: USD $180
If you have passed my information on to another company, you'll be charged an additional USD $500 plus USD $5 for every copy sold after the first.
Thank you to Rob "Roblimo" Miller for this idea.